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Chapter 62
CHAPTER 62
THE WORST SORT OF PAIN
There is something tantalizing in the echoing screams of agony and pain; though not hurt personally, the hearing heart gets affected with searing pain, a scorch they cannot cool, itch they cannot scratch . Befuddled, the heart regresses gently back into silence, capsizing what it had felt because it hadnāt understood it; why is there pain if no one has wounded it?
The bleeding stops and skin comes together to form a scar, and that scar remains hidden, awoken briefly in times least expected . Itās the unreasonable ache that spirals the mind, causing otherwise healthy soul to turn manic . Lino remained crouching behind a corner, leaned against the wall, his whole body soaked in thick, yet cold, coat of sweat . He had managed to get inside the necropolis with Writās help, yet, right now, he was wishing heād stayed outside and chose any other option . Throughout his search, he had passed several dozen rooms taken up by all sorts of people, strapped to tables in all sorts of ways, repeatedly tortured in manners he hadnāt even thought possible .
Some had their bodies skinned inch by an inch, yet kept alive and awake through it all; some had their bodies turned into bed of nails, some had their limbs stretched and bent in ways Lino only believed children could draw up; some, yet, were gently strapped to chairs, just enough they canāt shimmer loose, forced to watch people they loved undergo anything and everything . He felt sick, as though there was fire burning inside his soul he couldnāt put out; if he was ever confident in one thing, it was to always remain calm, no matter what .
He believed his experiences had gotten him to that point; yet, his reality had collapsed after spending ten minutes in this place . He never believed in existence of good and evil; he simply adhered by the right of choices, regardless of what was at stake . But, he had witnessed evil, repeatedly; things heād seen werenāt wrong choices, they were acts bounding reason, and even cruelty .
He felt his body shaking, yet he couldnāt do anything to stop it; his mouth had gone dry, his palms sweating profusely, fabric of reason slowly collapsing, being torn piece by piece . He knew it was neither time nor place to undergo a psychotic break, yet, no matter what he tried, he wasnāt able to either prevent it or stop it once itās started .
He found himself in a tiresome loop of endless doubts, recurring images of people tortured in worst ways imaginable, their soul-cutting screams of agony that ceaselessly echoed throughout the dimmed hallways of the necropolis, and myriad of memories he had worked hard on forgetting . He clenched his fists as hard as he could, forcibly digging his nails into his skin in hopes of jolting himself to reality . Though it worked, it worked but for a moment, just until another choir of agonizing screams bellowed out from hundreds of rooms surrounding him .
"Gather yourself," a robotic voice suddenly overwhelmed his state of mind, healing him seemingly by words alone . "You canāt help them if you break down . "
" . . . did you know what it was like in here?" Lino asked, taking deep breaths .
"Yes . "
"Why didnāt you warn me?"
" . . . how strong of an opponent you can beat isnāt the only way to gauge how strong you are," the Writ replied . "You believe this to be the worst the world has to offer, but you are wrong . You needed to learn . "
"Heh," Lino chuckled for a moment, wiping the sweat off his brow . "This isnāt like swimming, where youād just throw me in the water and watch over me . Here? You give a heads-up at the very least . "
" . . . if I had given you prior knowledge of whatās in here, you would have built a wall to shield yourself . "
"Damn right I would have!!" Lino exclaimed .
"What would be the point, then? You would deflect the whole experience and would have not learned anything from it . "
" . . . you are being surprisingly chatty today . " Lino mumbled .
" . . . by all accounts, you are still a child," the Writ said . "And you neither need nor deserve to witness this - or shouldnāt in an ordinary world . But yours isnāt an ordinary world . You had made a choice to pursue the truth; I cannot treat you as a child any longer . "
" . . . youāre one mean motherfucker," Lino cursed, sighing . "But whatever youāre doing, itās working . Thanks . "
" . . . Iām doing exactly what youāve been doing all these years - deflecting, suppressing, pretending, lying . Iāve enamored your psyche with the same poison you have been using since you were young . You have to process it . "
" . . . I donāt think a gigantic place full of people who would kill me on sight while Iām trying to rescue my friends is either time or place to do that . " Lino said . "So keep doing it until Iām out . "
" . . . by then, you would have built up resistance yourself . "
"Thatās the plan . "
"You cannot . "
" . . . " Lino stared at the asymmetrical wall, seemingly in daze for a moment . "I canāt do it . " he mumbled . "I know what youāre doing . All this . . . youāre just trying to use it as a catalyst . For her . "
"Yes . " the Writ replied after short silence . "She is your crucible . "
" . . . no . Sheās a memory . "
"Sheās alive . "
"I know . " Lino said, smiling faintly while shaking his head . "I can handle it without you inserting me in situations like this blindly . No . . . I will handle it . "
"You are in an age where youāre just supposed to be developing complex emotional responses, namely guilt, sorrow and self-loathing . But, you have already developed them . Now, you have to process them . Not handle them . "
"Why suddenly now? You had all the chances in the Kingdom . Why wait until now?"
"You werenāt ready . "
"Iām still not ready!"
"You are . "
"Well, your unwavering faith in me is flattering, but itās also full of shit . Let me save them first . "
"You will save them while dealing with all youāve been exposed to . By accepting that she did what she did for you, that you did what you did for her, that both of you merely wanted the best for the other, and couldnāt see eye to eye over who was more important . "
" . . . you went digging through my memories?" Lino asked, lowering his voice .
"Are you ashamed of them?"
" . . . whatever," Lino said, getting up . "You donāt show up to even utter a word when I need you, but you show up randomly just to screw with my head . Go ahead . Let me feel all of it . If my heart doesnāt rapture, Iāll buy you a freaking beer . "
" . . . your heart is strong, Lyonel . Youāve just weakened it by repeatedly hiding it from reality . Facades you put on may work for other people, and may even cheat the whole of the world into believing you are the happiest person alive . However, they will never turn into reality you so hopelessly desire . " š»š³š®āÆš¤š¦š·š·šš·šš.ššš
"Why are you still lecturing me? I told you, give it to me . You think Iām ready? Go on then . "
" . . . youāve ran away your whole life from human connection . But you didnāt run away from those two . Tell me, what is the difference with them?"
" . . . " Lino got startled for a moment, a complex array of emotions displaying on his face repeatedly . "Their eyes . "
"What of them?"
" . . . the moment I met them, I knew . . . they understood . Whatās it like to live a lie . I knew they wouldnāt push me . "
" . . . your Will is recorded, Lyonel . To face the greatest of walls, yet still persist in hammering through it no matter what . Thatās who you are, not who I made you out to be . Youāve come here to help them, people you barely know, knowing you might die . Thatās what you did when you went to rescue Aeala . Thatās what youāve been repeatedly doing ever since I met you . You and I both know itās not me forcing the Will on you . Itās you being who you are . "
" . . . I know," Lino said softly . "My whole life, I only knew one person who was willing to go over and beyond for me . She gave me hope . Made my days less . . . of what they were . I realized, long ago, that her being there for me saved me . Even after she left, she remained my anchor . I want to be that . A steady rock for other people that they can lean on, no matter what, how or where . I want them to know that if no one else in the whole world, Iāll be there for them when it counts . "
"What was she like?" the Writ asked . Lino suddenly felt his chest compress as he began being short of breath . "Talk with me . Iām here . "
" . . . she-she was . . . unique," Lino replied, drawing shorter breaths while clasping onto his chest, trying to shut out the endless screams helplessly . "A mountain . A shield . Light . "
" . . . " the headache returning, feeling as though his head was being cleaved time and again while he felt like his eyes would pop out of their sockets any moment . A flush of memories assailed his mind; her crying face, the blood, the screams, their fight, his betrayal, the way she looked at him the last time theyād seen each other; agonizing screams, the images of people broken beyond repair, all blended into a singular canvas that drew up his life .
Every bit of joy he ever felt was counter-balanced with a sky of pain, so much so he became averse to happiness . He learned to hide inside a thick shell, where neither pain nor joy could find their way in, yet, he knew his shell was beginning to crack, bit by bit . Eggor, Ella, Aeala, the Kingdomās Fall, Demons, Ally . . . all of them found tiny cracks to slither through and lay deep inside, seething in silence . Unbroken, terrible, eternal silence .