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Chapter 62

CHAPTER 62

THE WORST SORT OF PAIN

There is something tantalizing in the echoing screams of agony and pain; though not hurt personally, the hearing heart gets affected with searing pain, a scorch they cannot cool, itch they cannot scratch . Befuddled, the heart regresses gently back into silence, capsizing what it had felt because it hadnā€™t understood it; why is there pain if no one has wounded it?

The bleeding stops and skin comes together to form a scar, and that scar remains hidden, awoken briefly in times least expected . Itā€™s the unreasonable ache that spirals the mind, causing otherwise healthy soul to turn manic . Lino remained crouching behind a corner, leaned against the wall, his whole body soaked in thick, yet cold, coat of sweat . He had managed to get inside the necropolis with Writā€™s help, yet, right now, he was wishing heā€™d stayed outside and chose any other option . Throughout his search, he had passed several dozen rooms taken up by all sorts of people, strapped to tables in all sorts of ways, repeatedly tortured in manners he hadnā€™t even thought possible .

Some had their bodies skinned inch by an inch, yet kept alive and awake through it all; some had their bodies turned into bed of nails, some had their limbs stretched and bent in ways Lino only believed children could draw up; some, yet, were gently strapped to chairs, just enough they canā€™t shimmer loose, forced to watch people they loved undergo anything and everything . He felt sick, as though there was fire burning inside his soul he couldnā€™t put out; if he was ever confident in one thing, it was to always remain calm, no matter what .

He believed his experiences had gotten him to that point; yet, his reality had collapsed after spending ten minutes in this place . He never believed in existence of good and evil; he simply adhered by the right of choices, regardless of what was at stake . But, he had witnessed evil, repeatedly; things heā€™d seen werenā€™t wrong choices, they were acts bounding reason, and even cruelty .

He felt his body shaking, yet he couldnā€™t do anything to stop it; his mouth had gone dry, his palms sweating profusely, fabric of reason slowly collapsing, being torn piece by piece . He knew it was neither time nor place to undergo a psychotic break, yet, no matter what he tried, he wasnā€™t able to either prevent it or stop it once itā€™s started .

He found himself in a tiresome loop of endless doubts, recurring images of people tortured in worst ways imaginable, their soul-cutting screams of agony that ceaselessly echoed throughout the dimmed hallways of the necropolis, and myriad of memories he had worked hard on forgetting . He clenched his fists as hard as he could, forcibly digging his nails into his skin in hopes of jolting himself to reality . Though it worked, it worked but for a moment, just until another choir of agonizing screams bellowed out from hundreds of rooms surrounding him .

"Gather yourself," a robotic voice suddenly overwhelmed his state of mind, healing him seemingly by words alone . "You canā€™t help them if you break down . "

" . . . did you know what it was like in here?" Lino asked, taking deep breaths .

"Yes . "

"Why didnā€™t you warn me?"

" . . . how strong of an opponent you can beat isnā€™t the only way to gauge how strong you are," the Writ replied . "You believe this to be the worst the world has to offer, but you are wrong . You needed to learn . "

"Heh," Lino chuckled for a moment, wiping the sweat off his brow . "This isnā€™t like swimming, where youā€™d just throw me in the water and watch over me . Here? You give a heads-up at the very least . "

" . . . if I had given you prior knowledge of whatā€™s in here, you would have built a wall to shield yourself . "

"Damn right I would have!!" Lino exclaimed .

"What would be the point, then? You would deflect the whole experience and would have not learned anything from it . "

" . . . you are being surprisingly chatty today . " Lino mumbled .

" . . . by all accounts, you are still a child," the Writ said . "And you neither need nor deserve to witness this - or shouldnā€™t in an ordinary world . But yours isnā€™t an ordinary world . You had made a choice to pursue the truth; I cannot treat you as a child any longer . "

" . . . youā€™re one mean motherfucker," Lino cursed, sighing . "But whatever youā€™re doing, itā€™s working . Thanks . "

" . . . Iā€™m doing exactly what youā€™ve been doing all these years - deflecting, suppressing, pretending, lying . Iā€™ve enamored your psyche with the same poison you have been using since you were young . You have to process it . "

" . . . I donā€™t think a gigantic place full of people who would kill me on sight while Iā€™m trying to rescue my friends is either time or place to do that . " Lino said . "So keep doing it until Iā€™m out . "

" . . . by then, you would have built up resistance yourself . "

"Thatā€™s the plan . "

"You cannot . "

" . . . " Lino stared at the asymmetrical wall, seemingly in daze for a moment . "I canā€™t do it . " he mumbled . "I know what youā€™re doing . All this . . . youā€™re just trying to use it as a catalyst . For her . "

"Yes . " the Writ replied after short silence . "She is your crucible . "

" . . . no . Sheā€™s a memory . "

"Sheā€™s alive . "

"I know . " Lino said, smiling faintly while shaking his head . "I can handle it without you inserting me in situations like this blindly . No . . . I will handle it . "

"You are in an age where youā€™re just supposed to be developing complex emotional responses, namely guilt, sorrow and self-loathing . But, you have already developed them . Now, you have to process them . Not handle them . "

"Why suddenly now? You had all the chances in the Kingdom . Why wait until now?"

"You werenā€™t ready . "

"Iā€™m still not ready!"

"You are . "

"Well, your unwavering faith in me is flattering, but itā€™s also full of shit . Let me save them first . "

"You will save them while dealing with all youā€™ve been exposed to . By accepting that she did what she did for you, that you did what you did for her, that both of you merely wanted the best for the other, and couldnā€™t see eye to eye over who was more important . "

" . . . you went digging through my memories?" Lino asked, lowering his voice .

"Are you ashamed of them?"

" . . . whatever," Lino said, getting up . "You donā€™t show up to even utter a word when I need you, but you show up randomly just to screw with my head . Go ahead . Let me feel all of it . If my heart doesnā€™t rapture, Iā€™ll buy you a freaking beer . "

" . . . your heart is strong, Lyonel . Youā€™ve just weakened it by repeatedly hiding it from reality . Facades you put on may work for other people, and may even cheat the whole of the world into believing you are the happiest person alive . However, they will never turn into reality you so hopelessly desire . " š’»š˜³š“®ā„Æš‘¤š˜¦š’·š“·š‘œš˜·š‘’š˜­.š‘š‘œš“‚

"Why are you still lecturing me? I told you, give it to me . You think Iā€™m ready? Go on then . "

" . . . youā€™ve ran away your whole life from human connection . But you didnā€™t run away from those two . Tell me, what is the difference with them?"

" . . . " Lino got startled for a moment, a complex array of emotions displaying on his face repeatedly . "Their eyes . "

"What of them?"

" . . . the moment I met them, I knew . . . they understood . Whatā€™s it like to live a lie . I knew they wouldnā€™t push me . "

" . . . your Will is recorded, Lyonel . To face the greatest of walls, yet still persist in hammering through it no matter what . Thatā€™s who you are, not who I made you out to be . Youā€™ve come here to help them, people you barely know, knowing you might die . Thatā€™s what you did when you went to rescue Aeala . Thatā€™s what youā€™ve been repeatedly doing ever since I met you . You and I both know itā€™s not me forcing the Will on you . Itā€™s you being who you are . "

" . . . I know," Lino said softly . "My whole life, I only knew one person who was willing to go over and beyond for me . She gave me hope . Made my days less . . . of what they were . I realized, long ago, that her being there for me saved me . Even after she left, she remained my anchor . I want to be that . A steady rock for other people that they can lean on, no matter what, how or where . I want them to know that if no one else in the whole world, Iā€™ll be there for them when it counts . "

"What was she like?" the Writ asked . Lino suddenly felt his chest compress as he began being short of breath . "Talk with me . Iā€™m here . "

" . . . she-she was . . . unique," Lino replied, drawing shorter breaths while clasping onto his chest, trying to shut out the endless screams helplessly . "A mountain . A shield . Light . "

" . . . " the headache returning, feeling as though his head was being cleaved time and again while he felt like his eyes would pop out of their sockets any moment . A flush of memories assailed his mind; her crying face, the blood, the screams, their fight, his betrayal, the way she looked at him the last time theyā€™d seen each other; agonizing screams, the images of people broken beyond repair, all blended into a singular canvas that drew up his life .

Every bit of joy he ever felt was counter-balanced with a sky of pain, so much so he became averse to happiness . He learned to hide inside a thick shell, where neither pain nor joy could find their way in, yet, he knew his shell was beginning to crack, bit by bit . Eggor, Ella, Aeala, the Kingdomā€™s Fall, Demons, Ally . . . all of them found tiny cracks to slither through and lay deep inside, seething in silence . Unbroken, terrible, eternal silence .

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