Chapter 219: Answers
(Ryoto's pov)
Now that I finally got Bankai, I deserve some break and what's better than a break under a tree is what I would say if I didn't plan on talking with Emma today.
Of course, before that, I, together with Yoruichi and Rin, oversaw Kisuke's Bankai training. It was only fair after all, but now that this is done time to talk heart to heart talk with an old friend.
I went inside my inner world, and both Zangetsu and Emma were waiting for me there.
"You two have a lot to talk about, so I'll leave you alone."
That was the only thing Zangetsu said before he left us alone. Who knew that he could be considerate?
"Let's go to some better place to talk." I proposed, at which Emma nodded.
I chose a nice tree to sit under. I got this habit because of Emma, consciously or not, and she enjoys it as well, so it's the best place we could talk at.
To be honest, it was still strange seeing her... alive. The last time was just before she lied to me, so maybe we should talk about it later.
I know that she is Emma I knew and not someone who looks like her because she reacted to her name, but she also said that it's not entirely the case. I'll ask about it after that, but before I could say anything, Emma started talking.
"You probably have a lot of questions, so I'll try to answer them all, but before we start, I want to say... I'm sorry."
Her voice started breaking at the end, and tears started coming from her eyes.
I never blamed her for what she had done before. I was always blaming myself, even if I didn't show it. Even if I was happy seeing her, I had some deeply buried emotions and issues.
Especially issues, but seeing her right now, apologizing to me, they vanished and I did the only thing I know would cheer up a crying girl. A hug. She didn't stop talking through her tears, but she returned a hug though.
"I knew that what I was doing wasn't right, but at the moment, I couldn't see another answer. I just wanted to... to... to escape."
I can't say that I don't understand her. I had these thoughts many times in my previous life, but I just never went through them. Not because I was stronger or had a stronger will than Emma but because I didn't have enough courage and motivation to do it.
(E/D: You disappoint me Ryoto. Foolishness... Son... Foolishness.)
I didn't have a push that Emma's got. I wonder who was the lucky one, me or Emma, but that's not important. In the end, both of us died, but we were sitting next to each other. Funny or sad story, depending on how you look at it.
"You know Emma? I never blamed you for what you did. I was mostly sad and depressed that you didn't share your worries with me, but the worst thing was that I never noticed how much you were hurt. What if I was more observant? What if I was more worried? Would I have done things differently? What... what if you didn't lie to me... Why did you say that you were alright?"
I noticed that Emma was not as cheerful as usual in the last of her days, but every time I asked about it, she smiled and said everything was alright. Except for the last time when I didn't even see her. She just answered behind the closed door.
Emma was known for never lying, and I stupidly believed her. Today I can tell that her smile was forced, but back then, I wasn't as good at reading people as I'm currently. Even my friends could fool me easily. I say friends, but I only had Emma.
Hearing my genuine question, Emma didn't know how to answer it, but I could feel her hold on me tightening.
"I... I don't know. I don't think I was thinking clearly back then. The only thing on my mind was escaping. Also, I didn't want to drag you into my problems. I know that you had many that you didn't share with me. You were always like that. Keeping everything to yourself until you would eventually explode.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not justifying my actions. I know that what I did hurt you more than anything before, and I can't ever apologize enough to you and don't even expect you to forgive me for that, but I want to at least try to make amends.
That's why, once again, I'm sorry."
She hid her face by pushing it against my chest, and I could tell it was getting wet, so I patted her head to calm her down.
I knew. Knowing her, I could guess that it was a reason like that, but I was too caught up in being depressed I ignored my logical side in that regard.
It doesn't make my suffering unnecessary or without any reason, but I wish I was my future self in the past so I would know how to deal with loss. Is it a good thing? A bad thing?
I would say it's a good thing. Death is part of one's life. It may be a sad thing, but not something terrible. It happens to everyone, whether you want it or not.
I also can be considered more fortunate than most. I got a second chance at life and even got the benefits of having a system that allows me to do a lot more than should be possible.
As we were hugging, I didn't plan on saying anything, but some words escaped my mouth.
"I missed you... and welcome back."
---
We stayed in a hug for some time without talking just enjoying our presence was enough for now, but a sudden thought entered my mind.
"Hey, Emma, how are you even here? I didn't question it before, but it's strange. Not only are you in my inner world, but you are also in a different world."
Hearing that, Emma looked up at me while still wrapping her arms around me. At the same time, I looked down.
"I forgot to tell you. Hehe~"
...
I forgot that she could be a bit of an airhead, but thanks to that, the sad atmosphere disappeared.
"But there isn't that much to tell. After I died, I woke up in a dark place. I didn't know where I was, but I quickly figured out that I successfully... ended my life."
After the last part, she paused and looked at my reactions.
She is as kind as always, and I couldn't help but smile.
Seeing that I was alright, she continued.
"After some time floating without anybody, which was a strange experience, I saw the light in the darkness, and since there wasn't anything other than that, I decided to walk towards it. The moment I was blinded by said light, I was inside your inner world, and I got a lot of new information, causing me a headache.
I became your Zanpakuto Ja-Ryoto."
My eyes went wide. Of all the possibilities, I didn't think of the most obvious one.
"Wait, how is this possible that I have two Zanpakutos? I mean, I got Zangetsu in not the most natural way, but the general rule is that one Zanpakuto for each Shinigami since they are a manifestation of their souls. You can see it in Zangetsu since he looks like me, even though he shouldn't." I questioned.
(E/D: Unless a gay priest put a disk inside you. (Context: Stands are a manifestation of the soul.))
"That's quite easy to answer. Zan-chan is Ryoto's Zanpakuto, while I'm Jacob's. Your two souls are mixed into one, but they are separate enough to allow this loophole. You can imagine it as a mix of water and oil. You can still see both of them even if they are in one container together. They don't mix, just like your two souls. It's really a miracle.
I have a theory that because you rejected your past so much that your souls couldn't mix. You didn't allow it."
She looked so proud of her theory, and I couldn't tell her that it didn't make a lot of sense because some higher being reincarnated me, and he or she was the cause of it.
But yeah, I wasn't so keen on my past and wanted to leave it behind me, which I somehow did, but Emma's presence doesn't allow me to do it anymore, or at least part of it. After about 30 years of living as Ryoto, I'm not the same as I used to be but now, more easily than ever before, I can accept my past and my mistakes. May the past be past, but I can't forget to learn from it as well.
"Wait, let's go back a little. You said you are my Zanpakuto. I understand why you didn't want to show yourself in front of me before but now since we are already talking, can you tell me your name?"
"I could try, but Zan-chan has been trying it for the last 20 years, and you never heard my full name. You could hear the first letter and some of the parts later on, but that's all."
So that's what Zangetsu was doing. I really thought he was fucking with me. I owe him an apology. Not that he knows.
But hearing her reasoning, I smiled gently.
"Try it now," I said as reassuringly as I could. For some reason, I could feel that I would be able to hear her name this time.
"My name is Gyaku Hansha. Nice to meet you, I guess."
(A/N It means "reverse reflection" for anyone wondering. And yes, it took me longer than I would like to admit to come up with this name.)
(E/D: I need some names to name my "child". The name should have "Abbadon" in it. The best name gets a price of culture. Some of my favs.)
"Gyaku Hansha, I'll call you Gyaku for short, or do you prefer Hansha? Maybe even we'll stay with Emma?"
"Gyaku is alright. Just like you, I'll use my new name because I got a new life."
It took her a moment to realize what I had just said and when she did, her head turned at light speed in my direction.
Her mouth went wide open with no sound coming from it since she didn't know what to say but tried anyway.
At this, I smirked and gave her a rougher headpat messing her hair a bit.
She didn't enjoy fixing her hair back to how they were before, but I enjoyed seeing her try.
"You know, you and Zan-chan are a lot more alike than you realize."
I have her a deadpan look.
"Of all the things you said to me today, this one is the most unbelievable."
I paused. "By the way, you can call Jacob if you want. I don't mind it that much as I used to."
Hearing that, her mood got better as she visibly perked up.
---
Talking with Emma, or should I say Gyaku helped me more than I realize. I feel like after talking with her, I can, more than ever before, leave my past behind, but from this point onwards, I won't deny it as forcefully.
'That sounds right to me.' I nodded to myself, satisfied with the conclusion I ended up with.
Not only that, looking back on the rainy side of my inner world only strengthened my conclusion seeing that for the first time since this world was born, it wasn't raining there.
---
END
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